From an early age I knew I wanted to be a mother, I had always wanted a boy and girl although I never picked any names for them but I just knew that's what I wanted.
When I found out I was pregnant for the first time I secretly hoped for a girl and was lucky enough to have one. Life with one child, looking back now, was so easy for me, I had one tiny little being to look after and, although it felt like the biggest struggle in the world sometimes, I can now see how easy I had it.
Amelie wasn't the easiest baby to take care of partly because I was a first time mother and had no clue as to what I was doing. I worried constantly that I was doing my job wrong but I had nothing to compare to.
When Charlie came along, 2 years and 3 months after having Amelie our whole world and routine was shot out of the window. I now had two little people to look after. Amelie still needed my attention and Charlie was helpless, I felt stressed, emotional, guilty, sad and confused - how on earth was I supposed to divide myself equally between these two?
I'm not sure whether it was because Charlie was my second child and I had to carry on as normal for Amelie but he kind of just fell into place and fitted in around our current lifestyle. To be fair he was a super baby and very chilled out, the only issue I really had with him was he would feed all night long, I was kind of his dummy throughout the night and if my boob fell out of his mouth he would scream and cry for ages until it was firmly back in place again. I have always co-slept with Charlie and still to this day (3 years later) he comes into our bed during the night, I love it to be honest.
But now Charlie is about to start a few hours a week at preschool and I'll be on my own for the first time in 5 years I'm starting to feel a bit lost and like I'm not needed anymore, my job as being a 24/7 mummy is coming to an end. I've cried over this and am absolutely dreading next week when I have to drop Charlie off for the first time at preschool I'm going to be an emotional wreck. But I know he will be fine and have so much fun, it is me being selfish and wanting him to stay with me forever as he is my little buddy we do everything together. I know the time is right to send him to preschool though as he is becoming a bit bored with staying with me and he loves playgroup so I know he will have a blast.
I'm so broody and have been for months, but is 3 really the magic number? Most of my friends have 3 children and it seems to work for them, but what impact would having another baby have on our lives when I struggle enough with the guilts of not giving my children enough of me?
How do mothers stay calm and not get annoyed or flustered when their children are screaming and making demands? I try to be patient and have a tendancy to do the things my kiddies want at a click of a finger, maybe I've spoilt them with pandering to their needs?
Then there's the lifestyle change, we would need a new car, to buy all the baby things again, our house is crammed enough without adding another child into the mix.
I just think it would be selfish of me to bring another child into the world if I haven't got the time to be the best mummy I can.
In an ideal world I would love more children but I think I'm done with that. I've had 2 c-sections already and it is not good to have a third, so I've been told. The recovery from my second c-section was hard and it took a long time to heal from it. Also, I found there wasn't that much support from healthcare professionals when I was pregnant for the second time, I think they thought as I already had a child I didn't need as much care but ,truth be told, I did.
So that leaves me on this new path of having both children at school and a few hours to myself, I haven't a clue what I'm going to do with myself though...